I’ve had the luxury of being in my house alone for 3 days now.  My husband, who rarely travels, has been away for the weekend at our nephew’s basketball tournament.  A long time high school girls basketball coach, Chris’ team made it to the regional tournament and has a good shot at going to state next weekend (as I write, we have one game left to win that spot).  If they win, Paul will be off to the state tourney to again spend time with his brother and cheer Chris and his teams on.

Since Paul is retired, he’s rarely away.  He says everything he needs is here – his hobbies, pool cue business, lap dog, the 60” tv and me (I suspect in that order, more or less :D).

I wish I could tell you I’ve missed him desperately but if I did, he would call me out for lying.  Truth is as much as I love him, this time alone has been a balm for my soul.  I came home Thursday night from work to a quiet house and a slightly anxious little dog.  After checking on the other animals, I put on my pj’s, turned on my electric fireplace and nestled into my chair.  The dog curled up in my lap and here we’ve sat for much of the weekend – not working, not writing, just resting, reading and watching it snow.

I wonder why I’m not bored or feeling “housebound” like others complain of.   Maybe it’s because I know Paul’s eventually coming home.  These precious days have had the benefits of being single with the promise that in a few days the love of my life will walk back through the door and the routine of our daily lives will resume.  It may be a bit boring but the older we get, the more comfort I find in coffee together every morning, report on the animals/work at the end of the day and even the inevitable “what did you have planned for dinner?” question that sometimes causes so much frustration.  It’s easy enough to take those things for granted but there’s a certain comforting rhythm in the routine of each day.

Or maybe it’s simply because I like the solitude.

I rarely listen to music in the car.  When I bought my new car the salesman spent a good deal of time showing me the intricacies and ease of use of its advanced sound system.  I was trying to act interested but Paul sat in the back, laughing and told him he was wasting his time – I probably wouldn’t ever even turn it on.  True.  I always say there’s enough noise in the car from the voices in my head so I’m not willing to add to the distractions.

When I was in high school, I tried so hard to be like the other kids…outgoing, less cautious, in short – FUN!   I thought there was something wrong with me because social situations didn’t come easy for me.  I made deep friendships but if there were more than 2 people in the room and they weren’t someone I already felt connected to, I was a complete wreck.

There was lots of nail biting, nausea and throwing up in my teenage years.  The simplest interactions would bring on this type of mammoth insecurity.  Riding around the drag with kids from church, having lunch with my crush David Fraser – I even threw up before a date to a banquet with Marvin, one of my best friends that I rode to school with every day!

I memorized the Living Bible Translation of 2nd Timothy 1:7 – “For the Holy Spirit, God’s Gift, does not want you to be afraid of people but to be wise and strong and to love them and enjoy being with them.”  Sadly I spent much time chanting that scripture with my head out the window or hanging over a toilet.

I’m glad I found strength in scripture.  It eventually did really change my life for the better.  Over the years I became more functional in group settings and was able to participate in a wider range of relationships.  Ultimately (if somewhat ironically), I got to the point where I was giving speeches to groups of 10 -200 on behalf of foster kids in our area – something I cared enough about to put aside my fears for.

In my fifties I understand now that while much of my struggle as a teenager was based in insecurity, there was also the simple fact that I was then and remain, an introvert.

We didn’t use the words introvert and extrovert much then.  I wish I had understood that, while I did need to develop more comfortable social skills, there wasn’t anything actually wrong with who I was.  There is such a difference in that statement!  Accepting who you are and growing in uncomfortable areas versus never feeling like you are good enough.

I spent years trying to tame my introverted, intense, type A personality into the social, easy going person I so admired and wanted to be.  My childhood friends Lillian, Stormy, and Twila – those young women were heroes to me.  Smart, comfortable in their own skin and easy to be around.  As the years went by I continued to seek out those big personalities for my friends.  I wanted to hang out with people who were different than me.  Women who dreamed big, were confident and filled the room.  In later years, friendships with Mollie, Kim, T-Nina and Lisa brought that same joy and added dimension to my life.  To this day, I love those women with all of my heart and soul, though I do it quietly – faithful in prayer, warm thoughts and precious memories.

I read recently that many introverts like people well enough, that’s just not where they find their energy.  Rather, an introvert gains her courage – her strength – in time alone. She recharges in solitude.  That explains why I was so determined to set an entire room in my house aside just to feed my spirit.   Plants, books, picture window looking out over the field, electric fireplace, piano, comfy furniture, no TV.  I call it my Life Room because it’s in this room I find peace and comfort and the emotional energy to get back out there to do the things that are important and exhausting and that I absolutely love.  My job, volunteer work, church activities and time with the people I care so much about.

After 3 days of rest and light soul searching, I came to the conclusion that it’s time to stop fighting myself.  Not because there’s no room for change – far from it.  (Much of the comfort I find in solitude comes from knowing I can’t cause any damage when I’m in the room alone!)  I am learning though to finally accept who God made me and just quietly grow in that.

Three days on my own, and that’s what I’ve learned.  Took a while, but what a precious gift this snow storm brought after all.

P.S…The girls won their game this afternoon so next weekend the Garden City girls, their coach and his family (including his Uncle Paul) will make their first appearance at the 2A state basketball tournament.  His Aunt Pam will sit in the house on Posey Road, quietly cheering them on and again, catching her breathe for a few more days  😉