I’d like to explain my absence from this site, but I can’t.  Doing so would break Pam’s Code of Writing Ethics – my public forum is not a place for my loved one’s private struggles.  Though my goal is always transparency, I have (in my own head) gallantly refused to do so at the expense of the people I love.   Doesn’t that sound admirable?  Sort of, but there’s a martyr element too.

The real truth is that I haven’t written anything in 3 years because of my own fears and disappointments.  The wind got knocked out of my sails the day I realized some of my expectations for my family were not going to ever be fulfilled.  Sadly, I used that disappointment as an excuse – an excuse to withdraw from God, from my callings and from looking ahead with the fresh eyes of wonder that faith provides.

Frankly I’ve spent the past 3 years in mourning but the only thing that died was my own ideas of what my life would look like.  Scripture says we are to die to ourselves daily yet I couldn’t let go of even one dream with any decent amount of grace. 

Pollyanna Pam just didn’t think she had anything left to say.  That’s probably true given my refusal to explore the unbeaten path that lay right in front of me.  Intended as a short pause – a chance to catch my breath, I eventually got comfortable sitting in that old dead end.  Three years later, I’m find myself in that same spot, still waiting for the scenery to change.  Still staring at that unbeaten path.  Still afraid to go forward with no way to turn back.

Those same expectations took another blow recently.  While I’ve been numb for a good while now, I am aware enough to realize that my only options are go forward or dig my own grave even deeper.

It’s time to move on.

I hope you’ll come with me on this journey.  If you’re ahead of me, I welcome your encouragement.  If you too are dusting yourself off from a gut punch, working out your own salvation with fear and trembling (Phil 2:11-13), I invite you to hold my hand.  With the surety of scripture, power of prayer and a commitment to seeing the truths we are so afraid of through the eyes of Grace, we’ll get through this together friend. 

I’ll see you back here soon.